Grandmothers old clock

When I was sitting on a toilet pot, then Wilma had a need to come on my lap. And after some of whining she got there. Its better to have piece on a pot than whining somewhere else. And when Wilma was on my lap, this little daughter of mine noticed something...

On a wall there was a clock. This old and with old-looking font. Tic-tac-tic-tac. As if grandmothers old seconds where in a room. World was suddenly still. And Wilmas small eyeballs as well.

She stared at that time-machine. There must have been something attractive in it. She forgot tears of the past and even my lap. She was staring the clock and reached her hand...

...reached her hand as far as possible. As if she was the God on the Michelangelos painting, between the clouds and bad angels. But Wilmas hand is actually very short. Shorter than measurestick (ruler). But distance between her and the clock is more than a meter.

Time is moving tic-tac. I am still sitting. But wilma is reaching and reaching, and reaching.

Only small people can do with their big dreams like this. Reach out their small hand to hopeless reaches, never getting them. Always hoping and believing. Old people in a same time can sit on a pot and even not notice the clock in front of them.

If you had a chance to dream, where would you reach your hand? Even if it was a long as two or three measuresticks.

Waiting for Jesus and other

I am pushing baby-cart, in it the small energy-bomb moving around, twisting as a whirlwind. Many minutes have passed, it is time for my daughter to get some sleep. But no. Wilma is constantly laughing, whining, sometimes sitting and peeping out.

On the road, there are many big and small cars, all with Finnish numbers. I look what type of drivers are there and get surprised. Almost everyone is talking with a self-phone.

Everybody is busy.

By pushing Brio my thoughts get wondering. I start thinking what shall I do with that valuable 1,5 hours that I get. I have vacation, right! I can be still by the TV and eat banana. I can sleep, I can read a book.

Usually I am not very good at using my free time. I simply lose it with my fingers holding it as if it was a sand. I am not used to Be. I want to Do. And when I want, I want now and immediately!

As I think of it, I remember a time when I was by my grandmother, red couch underneath. This was a time, when I noticed small pieces of dust flying in a sunshine. And at that time I noticed how one black bird came to sit on a apple-tree, and I was chasing him...

And I remember this timeless waiting - all my family had gone to Sweden! One, two, three summer-days were going soo slow. It was slower than stretching a hubba-bubba gum. But I was waiting. And my grandmother said on and on, that it is painful to wait, but in an end-run it feels so good.

I have forgotten than good-old-feeling, what waiting a snow has. And how does it feel to wait the father coming home. I have forgotten that big good feeling that wise virgin should have when Jesus happens to come over...

I want now and immediately. Wilma, do not move any longer!

1:11

I was wondering around youtube, and I saw one train (somewhere in Poland or sth) passing the videocamera. Train itself was as they usually are: slowly moving and with some wagons.

Video was pointless.

I wasn't the only one watching that. Some were even commenting. 1 minute and 11 seconds of my life.

How do you spend your time? How often do you run away from your work or to-do-things?

I am bold as well

As I was putting Wilma asleep I had time to think of my life. Walking in a wet grass I was reminded that the same place, Finland, 4 years ago I was thinking as well while being alone... (as a literature-character Muhv I was writing myself mails. At that time, there was not blog).

(2004, 14th July)

"Roger (G father) loves bikes. He is like small boy with a favourite toy. And he wants that his children would have the same pleasure. Greta as well. And sometimes, it has happened, that Greta has driven with him. But Greta is bored. Bikes do not fit with her at all, maybe challenge a little. Greta is too much afraid. And is worrying alot. Car would fit with her much better.

But Roger is bikedriver. And I didn´t know that he is the head of a motoclan. Greta hasn´t ever talked about him that way. I like that Greta doesn´t brag. Even though she has a reason to be proud. Fammo (G grandmother) is bold. She speaks out loud. She is bold. And it makes me sad that I couldn´t speak with her. Even though I am bold as well."

I read and laugh. I started to like myself even more.

Home not alone

My vacation started. And I took over the role of a mother-chicken. As I look the situation, I have reason to be glad, because I really was exhausted and rest is something I needed... On the other hand, everything seems to be so hopeless... how to live my life when I have so little minutes for myself?

From the september I will be constant father at home. And Greta will be one going to work.

I do not want to stop our next childs arrival to this earth. But still, it feels that it is so difficult to handle even one. And I would like to be so much with Greta as well!

Now is not the right moment to put me down with morale. This question is not about time-management. I believe that both of us are better than average in that. Just this life seems to be so so so... Well, all of us are tired.

But God will help. Right?

Integrity

As one famous man Meego Remmel has said: this english word integrity means in estonian integrated virtues ("integreeritud vooruslikkus"). For me this word is important and as I think of myself, my life would be a mess if I wouldn´t have it.

Maybe you have heard, there are discussions about Todd Bentley and his righteousness. He is leading one faith-movement, but is on the edge of burn-out and his family is falling apart. In a same time, there are many who have been healed by his kicks and started believing God because of him.

This integrity.

I have heard that Billy Graham is one of the few who kept everything open in front of the world. "His money-movements are and were totally visible," told our own evangelist Janek yesterday. Man with virtues, it makes me think.

I am also faithleader with some bullets. And so am I worring about my family and burn-out. There are so many temptations every day! This puts me into a situation where I want to be naked in front of you, even if its only because of me...

... I blog to be in integrated virtues.

I would stay and kill

I was sitting in a Taverna, town hall square. Probably I wasn´t only person who realized that bunch of hornets were circling around trying to get my pizza and orange-juice. One bite and hit with a hand, one bite and hit with a hand.

There were some women who decided to leave the place and go underground, inside. Only I was left. Me and hornets.

What a buzz. I could have understood them if they would have taken some nectar from the flowers, but no. Again and agin they are coming on the fork, even into the glass. But being different from other restaurant-guests I kept my fight going and tried to fight my endless fight.

Then I killed some of them, as if they were moscitos. Bam and bam! It would be interesting to know, if I were a Georgia-boy eating pizza, would i treat a person as a hornet? This test of hornet will show in everyone what type of personality lies in a man.

But you. Are you one going underground or a killer?

Little about sexuality

This topic Sex is on my heart. And I think it is okey, because otherwise something would be not in place if it wouldnt.

Today I would like to say that I do not know any person in Estonia who would have spoken in public how you should have sex. And by saying it I mean that pure sexual relationship - that type where is a lot of intimacy (on both sides) and little wounds and scars from past - even if those are from porniapartners.

Because sex is more than a sex.

I am convinced, even by looking my own life, that dealing with This Thing has made more wounds than any war. It has led into ruins more than one empire...

...and more importantly - we do not notice it, but - even if money and power are the real bad roots, what have corrupted many, sexuality is owned by everyone and everyone can have it more or less. We all have body to touch. But I feel so sorry, that there is so little information and sharing about real sex...

...oh well, I go and sleep with my wife now.