Wilmas hairmaking

It is now Sabbath. Day of restoration and recreation. We are making curls with swe-fin ladies. If you havent seen Wilmas grand-grand-mother, grandmother and aunt in reality, you´ve got a chance now!

Learning to rest

Last few days have been very different. I have tried to learn how to take the pace down and not think about things outside of home. Man, it has been difficult.

First nights I just saw dreams of doing things. Then I constantly thought of emails to be sent and plans to be made. It has been so, because of last 4 months. I have been stay-at-home dad, working from distance.

I have definitely failed to keep the Sabbath.

And i need to learn it with an humbled heart. It is not beautiful if our lives do not have pauses and rhythms. And if land does not rest, it will crash.

This is also a reason I will take next few days to spend only with God.

Communist and Christian

This is me and my father in law, Roger. We have spent already couple of years together discussing what the real society should look like. He likes Marx and I like Jesus. Both are talking about building a perfect kingdom.

In many cases, Roger is more christian than other people. For example he loves Russians (read: neighbour) more than usual Estonian. And Finnish people more than usual fin. What about you?

It definitely has been great learning time for me. But I believe, and as Roger is reading the same lines right now with you... Jesus has definitely say many things to Roger as well. There is perfect kingdom to come and we can be part of that!

Today is the shortest day here in Finland (where we are celebrating Christ to come). Only 4,38 minutes is sun up in the sky! What a dark world we live in!

My sisters sing

This coming week my sisters (Holy Sisters Band) will come out with new CD. Probably you cannot participate that event, but if you want I can send you this beautiful music!

Just send me email with your address: m2rt@goingup.ee

Massive Christ

It has been very exhausting past weeks. I feel very tired and often oppressed. Definitely there have been many miraculous moments and times where I have had chance to share the Gospel. More than ever before.

Last week I had first physical spiritual attack. Overwhelming. It did not feel so good!

But it made me think that I am on the right track. I am glad that my God is more powerful! Pray for me and pride that is easy to come in. Let me know if I can pray for you!

Why i love gospel

I must be honest and say that I love gospel. No not gospel, but the Gospel. This message of Christ. As a man with journalist heart I really respect messengers and messages. Last few years I have been practicing talking to the lives of people.

Lot of people are desperate and hopeless. Some just need clarification, some need a person to humble them.

But it took lot of time for me to understand how powerless is the wisdom of men and how powerful is the message of Gospel. As last few weeks have passed I have seen people crying as they hear of the love of God, today I saw 74 year old man, previous director and war-officer, dying in cancer...

And still trying to figure out who is God. And why should he repent.

I felt hopeless sharing the Gospel with my friend Hando. But as now his friend called (who had wanted us to talk into his life and pray for him), I heard that something still HAD CHANGED! Man, it must be Holy Spirit and Gods good hand.

If that man now has hope, I have even more belief in the Gospel. If possible, I will check it out next week.

Snowshow

Being father

I do not know how media around you influences you to think, but here in Estonia...

It is not so common to be father at home (as I am). 4% use that opportunity. I do not also know if you get payed for that, but we do. We get average monthly pay, what we used to earn 2 years back.

For me its little less than 350 dollars (260 euros) a month. Not so much, it makes me sometimes jealous of others, but it definitely was my own decision. To be a father, and stay at home.

But what makes me loose my temper is the thing that people in the media more and more often say. "Oh, times have come and roles of sex are changing." Oh no, it is not so.

I am definitely a man and father still, and Greta looks still like woman and plays the role of a mother. Yes, she has perfume and I still am like man, wash not so often myself.

But why Märt you are at fathers-vacation?
1. It has been surveyed that average father spends 2 minutes a week with his child. And I wanted more!
2. That way I am thinking financially into future and if God gives us more children then Greta can have more than minimum mothers-pay.

Glimpse of the funeral

Elvi Maria Wasberg, Gretas grandmother, moved this week to the heaven. This is a video that gives you a glimpse of swe-fin funeral and if you haven´t heard before, then also a opportunity to hear my wife singing.

Relying on Spirits power

I am definitely again on the new landmark. First-ever fundraising behind my back, snow on the ground of Estonia, we just formed a new team (of 4!) and we are heading with our family to Finland. Gretas grandmother passed away.

If you have been in more close contact with me, then you probably know that I repented in September. Mark Driscoll, Jeff Vanderstelt, Dave Patty and other godly men led me (probably without knowing it) back to Spirit.

Holy Spirit. How powerful you are?!

I know that I, Märt Saar, am rather powerful man. I can convince people with my tongue. I can make children laugh and close ones cry. I have lot of integrity with my background and family, church as well. I am sitting on so many power-positions that it often leads me back to the temptation:

"rely on Märt and His mighty power!"

John Miller, whos book ("The heart of a Servant Leader") I am reading right now, has reminded me again... You cannot live your life or do your ministry without being Spirit-led. Oh man, even though I am so young I have so many times made my speeches and teachings Märt-or-logic-or-humor-or-creativity centered.

Again and again I need to repent and see how stupid it is. And my life should be always Christ-centered and Spirit-empowered! Otherwise there is no hope, no change, or glory to God.

Pray for me!

Special message

Bush, Saar ja Palin

As I traveled around States I had opportunity to meet with Bush and Palin. Even thought for many they are not the best leaders ever, for me it was an honour to shake their hands.

Training leaders

Heyaho. It is good to be back in Estonia, and man... it is challenging here.

As airplane landed, whole country was in darkness. For me it is kinda symbolic, because for many souls it is so. Estonia has been surveyed to be one of the most secular countries in the world. And I live here!

Right now I am in the basement. It is pentecostal church, just by our government building (Toompea). Our fellow friends from Chicago, WillowCreek are doing with us leadership conference for 300 leaders here is Estonia. I am glad.

It is good also to spend that way time with my earthly father, because on many occasions we just do not meet. And Ago Lilleorg, bishop of Pentecostal movement here, said yesterday evening to me and brother Peep that it is great joy of his to see young generation stepping up in leadership.

It is great joy indeed!

Visitors have tripled!

I must be glad. There is a reason for that. This blog has tripled its readers in less than 2 weeks! It might be because I just met with you and you wanted to know how is my travel in US.

Not many visited before. About 9 per day (meaning 27 max regular visitors). Now there have been days when I have had 24 different readers per day. It means that there are probably more than 50 foreign visitors outside of Estonia!

I must be glad.

Thank you for visiting, and please do it again. If you are on of the prayer-warriors you definitely have a reason for coming back! Trust me.

Photos of Visionnight

I am not sure if I ever get back to such glorious hotel-room in US. One table belonged also to me, so that whole bunch of western friends could eat cake with me.


They are Daryl and Betsy, who have taken many of our team-members under their wings. They are lifelong advocates. True fans of estonians.











My dear host Jim (on a right hand) got an amazing opportunity to meet Josiah Venture president, Dave Patty. Who I also consider as my mentor. They were chit-chatting.


One man with a hat. I actually do not know him that well.

Wilmas birthday

Thank you all who remembered during my travel-time, that Wilma had a birthday! 6November. Greta had some guests over, and she made her choc-cake. It is a bummer that my dear little has rather high Fever. (maybe because of teeth)

Greta took 2days off. I am glad that now both of them can spend also time together.

Yesterdays vision-night was a great one. I would give 9 point out of 10. Many said that Dave Pattys speech was best part of it (yes, even here in Stanleys-city). Indeed, evening was inspiring and challenging in a same time. I got at least 2 supporters which I am very glad of!

My next destination will be Obamas-city. Famous pizza and wind-town. I am waiting forward to see also some of my blog-readers there!

Goodbye Vietnam (interview)

It is 5th November. In Estonia time shows 6:30. This is the time when my daughter Wilma has a first birthday.

In a same time, this is the day, 4th November 11:30 pm, time when United States of America has a new president and he is Barack Obama. This is the same moment when my daughter became 1 year old!

New president of US is black-skinned, socialistic and totally different leader. He is 44th president here in America.

And now! I would like to talk shortly with one of the citizens who voted for Obama, Jim Campbell. Lets look how his attitude toward the future looks like and what is waiting in times to come both for him and probably the whole world...

The most important question

I just made 5 videos in Atlanta, Buckhead area, asking different people questions. It is a histroical day for United States, as first polls are closing down now...

Who is Märt?

"Man, you must know it all," as my bro Adam would say here in Atlanta. "You could write a book about that."

About what?

Actually, I am sure that most people shouldn't write a book about me! Well, at least not about my work or role description. I find it sad, because I try to introduce myself here in US, but so often people are thinking I am just a church-partner of NorthPoint, being part of Risttee church. And the main guy there is Peep.

It is 25% true.

I have given actually my life to whole Estonia and especially young leaders. Not youth leaders, but young leaders. Those, who shape businesses, plant churches and yes, those who vision-cast this new generation also in churches.

I find my job to be very important.

And I find it confusing if all that people know about my fatherland is that we are post-communist and probably we do not have even our own language.

"Tavaline eestlane solvuks selle peale," as I would say about that.

Soldier father

Brian is a soldier. Having had his wars in Iraq and Afganistan for years. And even other places. But actually he is relatively young guy. Yes, older than me, but still ready to eat steak with me.

My dear friend Adam introduced him to me.

"My biggest flaw is drinking," said Brian with deep voice of a soldier and laughed with masculinity. His hear was nicely cut straight, but his eyeglasses still give him a smart look. "But you know, everyone has their flaw. For some these are relationships, for some something else..."

What I really liked about Brian was the fact that he never looked me up-down. Because, what do I have to offer him with an experience of an Estonian army? Or why should he bother explaining me what one or another thing means in steak-menu?

He has four children. One he wanted stop coming, but then still let come. "I wouldn't imagine my life without that last kid."

Actually, one of his key moments of life was the day when his wife asked him to stop going to war. As a lovely believer woman she is, she never threatened him with divorce, but simply said: you have two options... you know your family or time passes and you won't any more.

Brian made the right choice. And so we were there, drinking. He his beer and me my orange juice. But Brian is actually still a soldier... they go with their family shooting. Both with 800m rifles and also with compound-bows. For me - honestly - that sounds neat!

Big Truck

Crackhead B

This was a day Lord has made. After sharing a vision to Atlantans, police officer called Adam showed me his patrol-area. And lot of crackheads!

Man. World we live, is a dark one. Even this big and shiny Atlanta. Can u imagine, in every hundred meters there are gangs of people selling crack? There are prostitutes wondering around the gas-stations.

And on the dark church-corner there is a crackhead B. That person was a miserable one. When Adam introduced me to here as a preacher and asked if I could pray for her. She said: pray for safety. (I will do that)

Of course she didnt take it too seriously, because the addiction was devastating one, but u get the point... Here, in the world, not too far from us live people who do not have hope any more.

Or you think they do?

Iron ravens

It is total challenge for me, this 2x3 capital campaign in the States. Maybe its because of Bill Hybels who said that fundraising is a test of a leadership.

Also the words of my mentor, Dave Patty look to be prophetic! "This is about glorifying God and lifting up His Name!" For me it means that being in US is much more than deepening relationships or asking money.

Let me give you one example of today. Man, it was cool!

This morning I woke up with a worry in my heart. I needed to get to the Lennu airport, but I did not have taxi-money. Thoughts went traveling and I remembered my small flock at home and their needs. Who will help Greta out? Who would like to have my tons of prayer-cards? How can I make all that trip?!

Fortunately my Abba was close. He showed me the verses about prophet Elijah, as I was lying on my mattress. Man, it was powerful... but I didnt notice it until the flights in the sky...

There were many miracles, this day, 28th October.

First. Taxi-meter was surprisingly low, even driver couldnt understand it, and me and Daniel together had exact money (111.-).

Secondly. I was hungry. And suddenly ravens started feeding me. Those iron ravens, in the sky.

But Elijah story didnt end that way. He also met one single woman who feeded him that starving era... it came out that I was sitting together with Nancy, who is working closely in Israel. She did not only get my first prayer-letter, helped me get new planetickets, but also gave me out of nowwhere 100 dollars. Without knowing me, without reason to trust.

Abba is good.

Come help

For a while I havent made any public call. But not that hour has come... Märt Saar is asking his readers (yes, you too) so that they would take time and think how they could support our family.

This is because I will go to States for 3 weeks and Greta will stay at home with Wilma.

What makes this moment difficult is the fact that Greta has to continue working, and I do not have any other option but fly over the ocean. We will have there 2x3campaign, where we hope to find from 11-different states (I will be in Atlanta and Chicago) support to our organization and family.

1. Support. If you feel you want to invest in the ministries vision or our family, do you have any friends who would like to meet me or our team while we are (28th Oct - 8th Nov) at States? Or would you like to start supporting us on financial needs?
2. Pray. Even if you are places like China, Prague or Kuni, would you pray for us specifically in front of our God most high?

Here is also a small video-clip. That way you get a more insight that this US-trip is not just fun-time. No it isn't. It is spiritual work (but yes, I will do it in joy).

Next Generation from Josiah Venture on Vimeo.

How to spend 1min with your daughter

It is said that average father spends 2 minutes every week with his daughter. I must admit, that for me it is also a temptation to spend more time working than with my beloved one... but I will show you what did we did on my birthday with Wilma.

This is 1 minute of our life.

Saaremaa socks

Some people just are lucky. That person gets yellow envelope which includes photo of a lamb, which has encouraging words on its back... plus pair of white woollen socks! Socks from the smiling lamb.

I got Saaremaa woollen socks.

Thanks Juhan for crafting me such! I feel I am and I am important. There probably is not any better encouragement than getting such surprise from the young leader.

How to kill lust

One commentator in my estonian blog provocated me to think more about lust. This was a woman from Pärnu... how is it then with the Lust?

Everyone is burning in the lust, right! They say that you cannot go with children any more to the mall - immediately there are tears, screaming and undone zippers of the jackets. For me it is difficult to pass the coffee-house, my wife notices really quickly cake-slices. For sons of men it is hard to push the new button on the remote control, when there on the TV are good old lovescenes.

For elderly people, there are different kind of lusts. Even they have those, and different kinds.

Does self-leading help? That positive thinking type of approach?
Or self-flagellation? This is also autosuggestion, just old-school method.

Of course it doesnt help. And tearing out your eyes or chopping away your hand, it really does not help. You still lust.When you are blind, you lust blindly. It does not help to say: actually I really do not have any lusts right now - I actually want and need it. Its lying, because people really do not need most of the things... at least I dont!

Where then do the Christians belong with their lust-fights? As we have heard they should belong to those positively thinking people, but again... those well-known peas under the knees... How then christians, including Märt Saar, then fight with their lusts?

To be honest, I cannot. And actually, I go futher, I am not even trying to. When I become angry on Wilma or when I am egoist with Greta, I have understood more and more, that just by myself I am not really a good man for them. And it is impossible to be like Christ. I really am not like Christ!

But. If I am with Christ (by choice and also in private) every day... well, then I become a little more like he (maybe this is a moment you remember that story about vinetree and branches who stay in it?).

Also our famous Paul says in a nice way: "look, you believerman, you can have Spirit living in you, but only if you would walk in it as well... then is the time when you do not have to fight with your sinful nature. Spirit himself is fighting with it."

In other words. As long as I try to fight against my lusts I am idol for myself. And this idol is fallen already in its birth.

What intrests you in me?

Some years ago as I started enthusiastic blogging I investigated what makes blog good or great. I found out some simple things. Firstly, it is not wise to write for myself (so no-one would read it) and secondly, it is not good to be populist (loosing away my real self).

Now the new era has started. I have a question for You:

What shall I write about, so it would interest you? (I asked the same question in estonian blog and I am already interested if you will answer differently or if at all!)

PS. Now the commenting is possible even for anonymos ones. So feel free.

Communistic breakthrough

Now it happened. At last. Neighbor of ours visited us. For a first time... no other neighbor has done it. It's not because we are so mean or something, but because of this huge blockhouse where WE JUST HAVE TO LIVE together.

250-270 people living in a same house, without knowing each others name.

Now we know at least Klavdia. Russian woman, older than 60, having some golden teeth in mouth. We asked her to visit us. And she did! What a breakthrough in that communistic environment!

She brought gifts, but didn't eat much. In a same time, she really liked to talk. We also, but we didn't understand each other so much. But something still. "Rebjoonok" for example.

I got to know what health-problems you can have and how its possible to have 11 children. What an exciting evening it was! But most grateful I am for Greta and her gift of hospitality (yes, Holy Ghost can give even that!).

Conclusion: it is good to know your neighbors . Or what about you?

Do u know your culture?

Even if you are not a missionary (or person with gift of an apostle), it is useful to know what culture you are in. And what and why are people thinking, reacting and living as they are.

What do you know about Estonia?

So. It is small and wannabe-ambitious? But what else? Okay, its post-communist, innovative and secular. But can u explain the reality I live more? What stories did my grandparents use to tell me? How have we been forced to think? Who are our greatest heroes and thinkers?

Or what about your country? What heritage u are having, what scars have your parents been bareing? What winds use to blow in the fields of your history?

Listening to one bold preacher Mark Driscoll I got inspired to learn more about my culture, and my people. I did not like the books by Tammsaare (guy on 25 crowns), but now I understand more of his, that old writers influence. How important was handwriting of his that wrote so publicly those first atheistic lines in our memories!

Or the trains in the forties. Or forced campaigns in the sixties. Or great fruitfulness songs that previous generations of Estonians so dearly used to sing. Do I still read the magazines written for young estonian army-guys, do I notice what message our young pop-singers try so desperately cry out? Do I know what icons we are putting on our stamps?

I want to live in this culture. Because it is the world I am.

Difficult decisions

Year has passed.

As a person who is taking responsibility I have studies something. For example a thing that it is not useful to be brown-nose. Or that, if you have a situation where you gotta choose between very good and very-very good, and you have to say "no" to one, then this "no" has to come still boldly. And it doesn't matter at that time if anyone gets hurt or not.

How to make difficult decisions then?

Those people who make difficult decisions wisely, they live beautiful life. And I want that my everlasting life would be beautiful.

I have decided that if there is a conflict, then I still put my reputation into the game and say even with tears in eyes that there has been a person who has hurted me, but I still want to take responsibility, confess, ask forgiveness and forgive myselfe. I want to practice it in the next days to come.

I have decided that if there has to be done something on the name of God, I will still do it. Even if I am the only person in Estonia. In the rain, without partners or auditorium. That even then I will be doing what He says.

I have decided that if my leadership-style has to change, so that we could make a next step with our organization then I will change it. Even if it isn't favourable by all. And even if I do not like it.

Last year, same time, 21st september I decided to become spiritual leader in Estonia. God talked to me in the Czech mountains and I did go back to my homeland to lead our younger generation closer to Him.

And I am still joyful. Yes, it is difficult to be sometimes. But I am joyful. And I have peace.

Greta 26

My dear wife and our families precious mother Greta got year older. Now she is older than quatro-century. 26 years.

We are very honored of that day and age.

Till what time can I buy milk?

In Maxima, there are many interesting people, especially during mid-day. And as this maxima is in the midst of stone-houses, then there must be many interesting citizens. As interesting as me.

There was one drunk old man. Looked like santa, but drunk. Was joking there at 9 o'clock, money in his hands. I went to buy some drinks for children, he as you can guess, drinks for uncles.

Then he became frustrated. "Why cannot I buy drink!"

Ladies in their boxes started explaining that time is too little. You have to read the law from the door and wait at least hour to buy some alcohol. Uncle santa then starts walking around those small alleys that maxima has in it. He is trying to find something good.

"I will then buy milk... i will buy milk," he shouts to all, but actually to himself. "Where is this milk? Where is milk?"

As I pay for my drinks, I make my best smile that day. All this because Id like to see more people smiling around these block-houses. Walking out of the door this uncle makes me grin again. He shouts a question sincerely from himself and all: "But till what time can I buy the milk?"

Grandmom 77

Gods will, but without me

It is a strange thing to be confronted with a new type of temptation. Greta is now in studying surgeries, until afternoons. I am at home with Wilma, giving her the dream of young ladies lifetime - to spend her most valuable days of her life with father...

...but in a same time I am saying to hundrends if not thousands things "no". No to churchwork, no to para-churchwork. No to people. No to people I know and don´t know. I am like a castrated cat or pruned tree.

I was so happy that during last year God has used me so much all over Estonia. There are so many people who have found Christ, and so many churches have found new speed. I have had a chance to meet with tens of people, who I even couldn´t dream of meeting...

And I called that all "Gods will". You know, for a believer there is no other place to be, than His will. For us it is good, perfect and favourable. It is salvation for everyone. It is best place to be!

But now, during the first weeks of September, I am as if not bearing any fruit. Do not get me wrong, this is my own idea and decision. I believe that even now what I do, this is Gods will. And for me there is no other better place than being with Wilma.

Still, it is so difficult to leave behind so many things I was working on. And during that leaving, I do not know how will my fruits be used. It is so hard to trust my working-partners on a spiritual field, because many things still have my name on... there are so many decisions made behind my back. And so little discussing with me.

This is a school of humility. To be with home with a child, knowing that somewhere there is happening Gods will, but for me there is now place right now. My temptation is that my will has to be Gods will.

Oh, if anyone could understand poor me, the castrated one.

3 generations take the point

As you all know it doesn´t take much to lose the point of something. Same is in the family-trees. It doesn´t need much for grandchildren not to understand the tradition, but to smash it all and rather discover a new wheel.

"In what sense our grandfather was a pastor," some children may ask. "So what?"

Actually, you do not need more than 1 generation to lose most of the information. For example, one of my sisters struggeled for a long time with a reason of taking part of the communion. Everything is so serious and sad! She knew what to do... but had lost the reason "why" behind it.

Those who remember my past summer and the andventures with small Maya know that even toys can lose the real meaning, whole point. I saw on the floor old-type telephone, with circular numberplate. But she said no, "this isn´t any kind of phone, that is a dog!"

I would say that this is megachallenge. And I imagine that this 3 generation take-the-point can be fatal for not only in families and churches, but wherever. I wish we could have wisdom to reason to those small ones what are we really doing and why so.

In other case they start thinking that our legacy is bunch of dogs. But that is just not true.

Tree, ground and forest

Lets be honest, forests are so different and so are trees in them. Here in Western-Finland forests are stony and sharp. But as all the other forests, here are also some weak and small tree-children side-by-side with massive christmas trees.

I am friend of the nature and big time self-analyzer. And as I was pushing babycart, I thought of parallels between man-and-tree. After that, I took time to sit behind bible and see if these thoughts are reliable. Result was in three categories.

Every tree has a ground where to stick. This is a place where it gets its food, exists and gets into big nature conflicts.

Every tree is a one of a kind, whole life. This consists of the character that needs pruning, fruitfulness and of course, unique breed.

Every tree belongs to some type of forest. This is a place where it relates to others, meets unexpected dangers and takes care of offsprings.

Actually bible is talking all about that. How to be rooted... how to manage with myself... and what to do in a world. This is how my paperwork ended with 9 questions that also every blogpeeper can ask from him/herself.

Ground

1. How do you feed yourself in the Christ-ground (habits)?

2. Why do you exist?
3. In what way Gods hope (community) is endangered?

Tree

4. What has to re-new in you?
5. How much goodness-righteousness-truth (fruits) is around you?

6. Who are you in God?

Forest

7. What can you do around yourself?

8. What do you stay away conciously?

9. Who are you leading into future?

Märt and Mihkel are encouraging

Over the last season of my life I have met more and more young guys who are talking about their eagerness to go the foreign countries bibleschools or stay in place, but in the same way - learn God, officialy. Why is it so?

I have two theories:

1. There has been sudden increase of interest in that special group of people and this will be only good for Estonia.
2. It is just me who is more into that topic and circle of people than ever before and I really am noticing now spiritual interest on the root-level.

Both variants are good. And it is me (who is going to be father-at-home) and Mihkel (who is leading a lot in pentecostal movement and is also director of one bible-school) are encouraging: young brothers around our homeland, learn as much as you can! Your knowledge will be more precious than gold and more fatal than the traffic on our not-so-loved roads.

As I see, bible- and theologyschools are like our actors-school on Toompea (most important hill in our country), there is not so big interest for oldies! They are too built out, and it is hard to shape them on. But you are different!

Grandmothers old clock

When I was sitting on a toilet pot, then Wilma had a need to come on my lap. And after some of whining she got there. Its better to have piece on a pot than whining somewhere else. And when Wilma was on my lap, this little daughter of mine noticed something...

On a wall there was a clock. This old and with old-looking font. Tic-tac-tic-tac. As if grandmothers old seconds where in a room. World was suddenly still. And Wilmas small eyeballs as well.

She stared at that time-machine. There must have been something attractive in it. She forgot tears of the past and even my lap. She was staring the clock and reached her hand...

...reached her hand as far as possible. As if she was the God on the Michelangelos painting, between the clouds and bad angels. But Wilmas hand is actually very short. Shorter than measurestick (ruler). But distance between her and the clock is more than a meter.

Time is moving tic-tac. I am still sitting. But wilma is reaching and reaching, and reaching.

Only small people can do with their big dreams like this. Reach out their small hand to hopeless reaches, never getting them. Always hoping and believing. Old people in a same time can sit on a pot and even not notice the clock in front of them.

If you had a chance to dream, where would you reach your hand? Even if it was a long as two or three measuresticks.

Waiting for Jesus and other

I am pushing baby-cart, in it the small energy-bomb moving around, twisting as a whirlwind. Many minutes have passed, it is time for my daughter to get some sleep. But no. Wilma is constantly laughing, whining, sometimes sitting and peeping out.

On the road, there are many big and small cars, all with Finnish numbers. I look what type of drivers are there and get surprised. Almost everyone is talking with a self-phone.

Everybody is busy.

By pushing Brio my thoughts get wondering. I start thinking what shall I do with that valuable 1,5 hours that I get. I have vacation, right! I can be still by the TV and eat banana. I can sleep, I can read a book.

Usually I am not very good at using my free time. I simply lose it with my fingers holding it as if it was a sand. I am not used to Be. I want to Do. And when I want, I want now and immediately!

As I think of it, I remember a time when I was by my grandmother, red couch underneath. This was a time, when I noticed small pieces of dust flying in a sunshine. And at that time I noticed how one black bird came to sit on a apple-tree, and I was chasing him...

And I remember this timeless waiting - all my family had gone to Sweden! One, two, three summer-days were going soo slow. It was slower than stretching a hubba-bubba gum. But I was waiting. And my grandmother said on and on, that it is painful to wait, but in an end-run it feels so good.

I have forgotten than good-old-feeling, what waiting a snow has. And how does it feel to wait the father coming home. I have forgotten that big good feeling that wise virgin should have when Jesus happens to come over...

I want now and immediately. Wilma, do not move any longer!

1:11

I was wondering around youtube, and I saw one train (somewhere in Poland or sth) passing the videocamera. Train itself was as they usually are: slowly moving and with some wagons.

Video was pointless.

I wasn't the only one watching that. Some were even commenting. 1 minute and 11 seconds of my life.

How do you spend your time? How often do you run away from your work or to-do-things?

I am bold as well

As I was putting Wilma asleep I had time to think of my life. Walking in a wet grass I was reminded that the same place, Finland, 4 years ago I was thinking as well while being alone... (as a literature-character Muhv I was writing myself mails. At that time, there was not blog).

(2004, 14th July)

"Roger (G father) loves bikes. He is like small boy with a favourite toy. And he wants that his children would have the same pleasure. Greta as well. And sometimes, it has happened, that Greta has driven with him. But Greta is bored. Bikes do not fit with her at all, maybe challenge a little. Greta is too much afraid. And is worrying alot. Car would fit with her much better.

But Roger is bikedriver. And I didn´t know that he is the head of a motoclan. Greta hasn´t ever talked about him that way. I like that Greta doesn´t brag. Even though she has a reason to be proud. Fammo (G grandmother) is bold. She speaks out loud. She is bold. And it makes me sad that I couldn´t speak with her. Even though I am bold as well."

I read and laugh. I started to like myself even more.

Home not alone

My vacation started. And I took over the role of a mother-chicken. As I look the situation, I have reason to be glad, because I really was exhausted and rest is something I needed... On the other hand, everything seems to be so hopeless... how to live my life when I have so little minutes for myself?

From the september I will be constant father at home. And Greta will be one going to work.

I do not want to stop our next childs arrival to this earth. But still, it feels that it is so difficult to handle even one. And I would like to be so much with Greta as well!

Now is not the right moment to put me down with morale. This question is not about time-management. I believe that both of us are better than average in that. Just this life seems to be so so so... Well, all of us are tired.

But God will help. Right?

Integrity

As one famous man Meego Remmel has said: this english word integrity means in estonian integrated virtues ("integreeritud vooruslikkus"). For me this word is important and as I think of myself, my life would be a mess if I wouldn´t have it.

Maybe you have heard, there are discussions about Todd Bentley and his righteousness. He is leading one faith-movement, but is on the edge of burn-out and his family is falling apart. In a same time, there are many who have been healed by his kicks and started believing God because of him.

This integrity.

I have heard that Billy Graham is one of the few who kept everything open in front of the world. "His money-movements are and were totally visible," told our own evangelist Janek yesterday. Man with virtues, it makes me think.

I am also faithleader with some bullets. And so am I worring about my family and burn-out. There are so many temptations every day! This puts me into a situation where I want to be naked in front of you, even if its only because of me...

... I blog to be in integrated virtues.

I would stay and kill

I was sitting in a Taverna, town hall square. Probably I wasn´t only person who realized that bunch of hornets were circling around trying to get my pizza and orange-juice. One bite and hit with a hand, one bite and hit with a hand.

There were some women who decided to leave the place and go underground, inside. Only I was left. Me and hornets.

What a buzz. I could have understood them if they would have taken some nectar from the flowers, but no. Again and agin they are coming on the fork, even into the glass. But being different from other restaurant-guests I kept my fight going and tried to fight my endless fight.

Then I killed some of them, as if they were moscitos. Bam and bam! It would be interesting to know, if I were a Georgia-boy eating pizza, would i treat a person as a hornet? This test of hornet will show in everyone what type of personality lies in a man.

But you. Are you one going underground or a killer?

Little about sexuality

This topic Sex is on my heart. And I think it is okey, because otherwise something would be not in place if it wouldnt.

Today I would like to say that I do not know any person in Estonia who would have spoken in public how you should have sex. And by saying it I mean that pure sexual relationship - that type where is a lot of intimacy (on both sides) and little wounds and scars from past - even if those are from porniapartners.

Because sex is more than a sex.

I am convinced, even by looking my own life, that dealing with This Thing has made more wounds than any war. It has led into ruins more than one empire...

...and more importantly - we do not notice it, but - even if money and power are the real bad roots, what have corrupted many, sexuality is owned by everyone and everyone can have it more or less. We all have body to touch. But I feel so sorry, that there is so little information and sharing about real sex...

...oh well, I go and sleep with my wife now.

Tiidrek got to Olympics

Yeeha. Tiidrek got to Olympics!

I remember you brother when you came to Tartu and the first thing you did was finding a church and homegroup. Let the wind be under your wings in Peking!

Btw, our yellowest newspaper has also written how Tiidrek preaches in Kolgata church.

Again one new being! (Nora Hamer)

How would it feel, to be in a 50+ persons skin and see 4 new grandchildren a year? In my opinion it is healthy, fruitful and sign of a blessing. New apple fell to my sisters family, this time the child was named Nora Hamer (first girl who they have!)

And here is a picture where most of my sisters-brothers children are on. Well, if you care enough to get interested where Wilma belongs. And by the way, if you didn´t know, our families oldest, brother Peep and his wife... are waiting to have another child. Arrival is next Januar!
Come, and birth as well!

Please say please

You can not get it, because you don't pray. Do you recon that saying?

Or then... say the magic word! Say "please"... this is more like it, what we time-to-time use. Mostly on the children.

I happened to read today a story about a boy with an unclean spirit (epileptic). Once a upon a time one boy was really sick. He fell during his pains, foam came out of his mouth, he grind his teeth and in the end became rigid. Not only his father, but neighbors were worried about him.

They called A-team who happened to be nearby. Jesus and his disciples. But it didn't work. Boy remained sick, and people went to tell the bad news to Jesus. "I asked your disciples to cast it (sicknesses spirit) out, but they could not do so," someone blamed.

Then the story took another curve, Jesus came into action. And it is so astonishingly different how he saw! I made one small comparison.

1. People brought boy to disciples.
Jesus said "Bring him to me."

2. Someone said to Jesus that disciples failed.
Jesus said "You faithless generation!"

3. Boys father asked: if you are able to heal."
Jesus asked: "If you are able to believe, all things can be done!"

4. Boys father prayed to Jesus: "Help my unbelief!"
Jesus ordered the unclean spirit: "I command, come out, never enter!"

5. The disciples asked, where was their healing.
Jesus asked, where was the prayer.

So where, in whose mouth was the prayer left?

If i could live again

This is how I feel my life is right now.

Watch out, evil friend

As the car-key-saga continues, today I walked 5 km to work. It was a beautiful morning and I got to discuss a lot with God (to fellow pedestrians a scizofrenic thing to do, I'm sure)... but in a same time, I met some evil friends aswell.

I walk by a fence and suddenly! "Wov, Wov, Wov!" I jump, turn my head, and feel cold sweat beneath my backpack.

And there's another fence. I hear a cracking sound and a hairy head jumps up 1.5 m and starts the same: "Wov. Wov! Wov!!!" And there's the sign: "Evil".

Especially unattractive! It has been said that dogs are our best friends. But in our capitalistic society there is an individualistic germ that difines these friends as evil. Nowadays people don't plant flowers in their gardens, but put there out some animals with teeth.

And finally they put a sign that says: watch out! Or then more simply and laconically: here's someone evil. Why?

Well, yes, as the Bible teaches, does wordly riches put people to be scared of each other. But in the same time as I look at these signs and hear the barking, I don't even want to go inside. Not even to walk to work. Oh, dear citizens - think more about how to open your homes than how to warn us. It will be a much greater challenge, Im sure.

We have more than 100 000 citizens in Tartu. Think, if we would take the challenge, what kind of people we could meet in stead of greeting-barking!

Gossip

I'm not language-expert, but even I have times when I push my teeth together and try not to speak. Its because I have an allergy towards gossip.

Probably I do so because of my background. My parents confronted even our guests if any of them tried to poison someone behind their backs.

By the way, it would be interesting to know what people would talk about you? What makes them confused, scared, hot-tempered or eats their guts?

I believe that actually everyone knows that this type of talking is not beautiful. But according to my observations, more talkative you are and more language-centered is the culture, bigger the chance is that someone is talking about us. It is actually pretty scary to think what people can do when they are behind each other backs!

It is also understandable why gossiping is such a temptation... this is almost like a therapy or tender healing for your wounds! Sharing the heart. And if your partner in discussion is also nodding, then its like social drinking. But as it is with alco, so is with gossip... this nice smooth feeling dissolves in the air and you need to take another drink to make your head hurt less...

Gossip heals nobody.

But what if there are exceptions? Righteous back-talks. And as we know, we need to discuss about life and things that happen around us? And isn't it so that even parents need to discuss in their bedroom about the growth of their children.

I'm not sure if everyone is our children.
And by any chance, it can be true: what if we are the children of others?

Small things

Big things are big topic. I have heard that big cars are cool, big thoughts are deep. Big muscles are nice, and big tits are attractive. Big portions are "megas" and big shops " hypers".

But it seems to me, that things that matter are small. Most of the stuff in our lives are small.

And these are the small things that make our days. Good days and bad days.

I lost my carkeys today. With that I lost also at least 3 working-hours and lunchtime. I got stress-sleep, bad temper and many pointless thoughts.

Size still matters. Especially if the thing is small, but big for you.

Good-deed pay

When there are wedding or any other big events (i.e. this week 3 of a kind), then you start noticing technical-persons. Not because they would make so many mistakes, but because they serve themselves into pieces.

They arrive with machines earlier than others. They pull their wires into one place to another. They check their sounds and run the program. They are hands of MCs. And at last, when whole party is over, and everything is set back into boxes...

...then last people to leave the area are they. Silently taking sweat away from their forehead.

In a same time, every techical-man has his own world as well. And it doesn´t always matter that he can do so many good deeds. It seems to me, that his good deed can become more like crimes.

When family calls him, asking "where are you so long." Who are you helping this time?

Or if that technical-person has friends in action with him. Then this is actually cruel crime. Then there it doesnt matter that someones owes to him, because he will be owing triple as much to his many close people. And in the end run, he isn´t good-deed person at all.

Doctor and campleader

We have speedy times right now. But its fun, because as one rather-cool guy says in a video: "we have pickle season now" (meaning - summertime is slow-no-time). For me, fortunately its not true. I'm at camp with Jõgeva youth.

This is also a reason why we are separate with Greta (again). Well, its makes our time special as well - because it makes me focus more on our conversations.

But the cool thing is: she got into the doctor-specialisation ("residentuur"). 6 years in university + 1 year with child is now moving on... it it rather probable that Greta will start with this coming fall putting her fingers into estonian ear-nose-throats!

In a same time, I'm standing by camp flags. We are having with GoingUp 5 camps, I will be part of 2 more. As you can see, heres also the photo for curious ones. Who has more interest about this Jõgeva Camp can read it from Dave Blacks blog. He is teamleader from states-side.

Wait 26th!

We are sorry to tell you that we wont blog here until 26th June. Our small doc Greta will spend most of here free time before that for studing not translating. Its because we have a dream: her becoming ear-nose-throat doctor.

But be patient and wait still!

Pacifier making you a father

As you’re putting a pacifier into a baby’s mouth, you don’t even understand how much you grow. I have a six-months-old baby at home named Wilma, who sometimes likes to cry in the middle of the night.

As a father I want to be a good protector and educator. To take time for her and truly watch her becoming a beuty. At the same time, in Rumania it was recently made a study that showed that so- called-fathers at an average are spending 2 minutes a week with their children.

Two minutes.

A warning signal to me aswell! And honouring the truth I have to admit that there really are moments when I would like to put my head-of-the-family-head under the sand. And wait for Greta to do everything at home. Also to put the pacifier in Wilmas mouth.

At the same time, lately I feel that the Bible has directed me to a greater wish to serve. I feel that my task as a father is to grow in patience (also through pain).

In one word I’ve understood that to be a good teacher also at home – to make the gift work – I have to grow in patience, forbearance. As Paul and Jacob put it.

So. Some of the last nights. I wake up and feel how I have to get ahead of Greta and pull my tired feet up under me. To walk through a dark room to the cradle, where a young lady with a wrinkled face stands on her knees.

And sometimes she even just continues crying to get her will through. A stubborn little thing.

So I put the pacifier in her mouth, lift her back to the side, hold my hand on her and whisper: good night! Through this, she learns how to sleep alone as children do. Me, on my part, learn how to take my first steps.

As a father

The sending of a thought costs 2,07

We are thinking beings. And as we are thinking, some are doing it more than others. I am even thinking as I am writing. And you are thinking as you are reading.

They say that thoughts move at a very high speed. I can think myself to the moon or even by God. And with the same speed I can think 15 years back in time or to tomorrow morning at the breakfast table.

We can also send our thoughts. For example: when someone sneezes or his is nose is itching. When someone stares at you or right through your back then the thoughts are like direct messages.

But the man has created one thing more associated with thoughts. This is, sending thoughts with prize. Today at the town hall square I saw that caffe truffe had opened – it reminded me that Greta wants to eat cake there sometimes and that she will be happy when someone thinks of her…

...so I thought I could send her an SMS: should we go there and have cake on our date night?

As you can imagine, she got happy receiving my thought. But this thought costed me 2,07 Estonian crowns. The thought she sent me back cost 1,33 EEK. By the way, last month I sent around 104 thoughts that did cost 215,36 EEK.

But there are also thoughts that are completely free of charge. They don’t cost you a thing or cent. For example, the thought you are reading right now, my post for You.

But otherwise, thoughts are expensive. And now, try to think about that!

Small prayervideo

This is a prayervideo for youthleaders in Estonia.

Profession ruins man

I don’t want to be on a God-field to talk about God-stuff. And I don´t want to work where-ever so it makes me talk about what-ever. I don´t want my profession to determine my thoughts and I don’t want to propagate what the frames around me propagate.

Of course I believe that Märt is the same yesterday and today. But is it true?

Some pastors talk about God because they are pastors.
Some value dads just because they are dads.
But some just talk always about what’s on their minds, making same stupid facial expressions and as-usual noises.

I don´t know how is it with you, but I would like to belong to the last group. Even if I won´t look very intelligent.

Superwilma

Creating blockbuster characters

I’m still awake one hour more and I’m thinking about characters. It is the day of the upcoming GU (the 51^st one!) and I’m gonna walk-run-crawl on the stage of Vanemuine theatre.

This time, I’m gonna do it as an actor.. but before today I haven’t had such a long list of different characters!

And actually I haven’t been this old ever before either. And never before have I been challenged in so many different acting-styles at once. And if this wasn’t enough, I also have to be able to shine together with the favourite of many, Daniel.

Now. As much as I have thought about theatre-issues, there are a few things I remind myself when I make up characters. I think that a nice-living-funny character should be:

1. Special. Differing from the ordinary. In some way spectacular.

2. Confident. To be confident even when playing insecure. The actor has to be able to laugh at himself inside of this character.

3. Unique. He has to be created for this moment, not being a copy of anything earlier or a beginning of anything to come.

4. Stereotypical. In him, there has to be something ancient factor that makes him funny. Something stereotypical. (for example man-but-a-woman, big-but-clumpsy, small-but-evil)

5. Alive. This might be the hardest one, but he should play for the last rows of universe, not only to the auditory. He has to be worth of playing.

And now it is time to see how I live out my theories...

It is written...

I am sure I have a lot of sceptical, but still open-minded readers. I have to be honest with you and say that also I get hurt. For example by middle-aged Estonians.

As I discuss with people of that generation, I read between the lines some kind of bitterness towards the Bible. Their attitude seems to be as if they once a upon a time were like me (23 years-old) and believed just like me.

But not anymore.

Bitterness. Not that kind of wise, settled understanding. Rather some type of sour recalling of an apple that they hoped to be sweet.

Some of them say that the Bible is a question of interpretation. Then there are those who say that the Bible is very narrow-minded (it seems to me that most that typoe of remarks are connected with sexual relationships). And some are stuck behing things in the Bible that they can’t rationally explain (who could have written the prayer in Getsemane, when everyone was asleep?)

But as I look at the Bible, I see that Jesus (imagine: God in a human skin) behave in another way with the holy scripture.

He is 12 year old and in the midst of celebrations in Jerusalem, sitting among teachers, listening to them and asking questions.

He is back in his home in Nazareth and opens the scroll of one book in the synagoge and comments: ”today this Scripture has been fulfilled!”

He is with the ruler of the world, Satan, in the midst of desert rocks and strikes cruelly back with sentences like “it is written”, “it’s written”, “it’s said”.

Our middle-aged generation is disappointed in “the written-is-truth”. They are few, who take the Bible really as it is written. And in doing that, they have lost the ability to see the Bible as it says it is, being life-changing and in function. And as if they have won as a prize a sour apple.

But I would rather learn from Jesus.

Teachers are lame

Today again two persons said that their teacher is lame. Interesting why do they say that?

I’ve had more than 13 English teachers. Actually all of them were lame. The first one was especially lame, because she made me stand all the time.

In the same time, there are teachers who don’t make you stand at all, actually you can make them stand. These are the teachers who are lame because they so badly want to be good. It’s a fact that you can be late to the lesson with no worries and throw paper-airplanes in some classes. In the same time, some classes can make your hands sweat and you even have your little notebook on the table corner.

Most certainly, it is a question about the mouth and the heart of the pupil. But of course, it is easy to earn minus points as a teacher as well.

If I were a teacher, I would always…

1. know the material in a fanatic way
2. enter the classroom first and leave last
3. surprise those big ones with something small
4. see the connections with life
5. invite pupils to the blackboard and uplift them
6. pray for their families and future
7. spy on other teachers classes
8. study myself more than anyone else

What mistakes wouldn’t you do as a teacher?

Very believer

I met two elders today. Black suit elders, having signs in front. They had dark-blue books of mormon with them. I had gray-black bible on the table.

Weapons were there, but no fight this time.

"Is your wife like you?"

What do you mean.

"A very believer."

Heartpain

When me and Greta were today at the cinema, then she wasn´t so pleased with me. Why weren´t you looking at me as well, at least sometimes? My simple answere was that in a strange way - watching this chick-flick - I felt as if I had a hurting heart.

There was pain for the people. I don´t know why... but this happens sometimes. You see symbols in the movie and think about some certain persons, their choices and situations. Some have been doing stupid decisions... some are victims of stupid decisions of other people...

There are different kind of people.

Those, who are hurting other. Those, who hurt your heart. And those who have hurting heart.

I think I belong to the last group.

But actually. I believe as a believer, that these are the situtions when you have to pray for certain people intensly. As if Holy Spirit would put personally someone on your heart. And later, sometimes only a moment, sometimes days, or even years -- you get to know, that this hurt was there for a reason.

And im glad that even pain exist.

Myths of Trust

We are trying to find trust. We betray trust. Person reading todays blog will also study trusting...

8 Myths of Trust
Trust is soft
Trust is slow
Trust is built solely on integrity
You either have trust or you don't
Once lost, trust cannot be restored
You can't teach trust
Trusting people is too risky
Trust is established one person at a time

Waterman muugajaan

Every second week I get together with a man who knows the whole Bible by heart. Actually, he even knows a couple of different translations! His name is Jaan Muuga. When we get together we talk about the same: the Bible. We are like two Estonian men with two-edged sword. Usually we share one opinion.

It’s Friday and I’m tired.

Jaan invited me to his place. He lives in Veeriku where he shares flat with two guys.” Are you sure you can climb all the stairs?” Jaan asks me in his used jeans before we gets to his place. There are five floors in the building.

I am squeezed empty.

On our way there we talk about the proverbs and childhood. He says that you really can’t read the Bible word by word. For example, he was beaten a lot by his stepfather… and that took away the feeling of security and with that also his studying ability. I look for a spring of life.

His home is simple and that’s the place where we read the Bible. Jaans eyes sparkle as he quotes it. For me, he is the best of search engines. Many times he has given my sermons extra ammo. This time we discuss what I should tell the youth pastors at our next conference: “Burning Bulb”.

Even I become dry.

We read a lot of verses, but somehow my thoughts wander. Jaan says that maybe I just should sleep. But I just want to finish my material! And I just want to go on… and finally, when it feels like all heavens are closed… I ask him, at where will I end up with my life…

Sometimes just a drop will be enough.

Jaan starts scratching his beard. He can’t sit still on his chair. He is thinking hard. And then he says that in his mind… I’m a good person. And strange as it is, but that’s enough for me! Jaan is a waterman – and for me it was such a portion that I gladly drove my way to home.

I’m a flower.